"No" Is A Complete Sentence

Barbara is a friend who is always willing to lend a helping hand. She will drop what she is doing to assist her neighbor by taking her to the grocery store. If the elderly woman down the block needs a ride to the doctor, all she has to do is call Barbara. Barbara will also spend hours on the phone listening to her younger sister's endless problems, or her mother's countless aches and pains. She is just the sweetest, most kind and sensitive person you would ever want to meet.

There is only one small difficulty. Because she is so engaged with the concerns of others, she has no time for her own husband and children. Their needs and concerns somehow never make it into Barbara's line of vision. Consequently there is friction and discord in her household. When she is criticized or asked about this, she simply replies that she "can't say no to others who are depending on her." Her family should "not be so selfish. They should be more understanding."

Barbara is struggling with a problem that is not that uncommon: Boundaries. The ability and freedom to set boundaries in one's life is critical to survival. The insight to know one's limitations, and the strength to live within them enables one to give of oneself in a healthy and life-giving way -- healthy and life-giving not only for oneself, but also for others.

I was helped to learn this lesson early on in my life as a young priest. I was counselled by an older priest who told me: "NO is a complete sentence." What he showed me was that it is OK, it is acceptable to say "No" to others without having to give reasons or excuses. I do not have to justify my answer to them, just give it to them. I do not need to feel guilty or ashamed for not meeting their needs. I do not have to feel inadequate for not satisfying their expectations. I do not have to feel like I have failed simply because I have set boundaries for myself that preserve my health and sanity. I do not have to live in fear of disappointing others, only in the freedom of loving them.

As another older priest once said to me: "The Savior has come. He is not YOU!" In other words, the world is not dependent on ME to solve all its problems. I have been called to fulfill a task, a mission, but it is not to SAVE the world. So the setting of boundaries on my part is not going to lead to the downfall of the world. Only to the survival of my own world.

Where do you have a hard time setting boundaries or saying "No" to others? What would you like to do about that today?