"No" Is A Complete Sentence

Barbara is a friend who is always willing to lend a helping hand. She will drop what she is doing to assist her neighbor by taking her to the grocery store. If the elderly woman down the block needs a ride to the doctor, all she has to do is call Barbara. Barbara will also spend hours on the phone listening to her younger sister's endless problems, or her mother's countless aches and pains. She is just the sweetest, most kind and sensitive person you would ever want to meet.

There is only one small difficulty. Because she is so engaged with the concerns of others, she has no time for her own husband and children. Their needs and concerns somehow never make it into Barbara's line of vision. Consequently there is friction and discord in her household. When she is criticized or asked about this, she simply replies that she "can't say no to others who are depending on her." Her family should "not be so selfish. They should be more understanding."

Barbara is struggling with a problem that is not that uncommon: Boundaries. The ability and freedom to set boundaries in one's life is critical to survival. The insight to know one's limitations, and the strength to live within them enables one to give of oneself in a healthy and life-giving way -- healthy and life-giving not only for oneself, but also for others.

I was helped to learn this lesson early on in my life as a young priest. I was counselled by an older priest who told me: "NO is a complete sentence." What he showed me was that it is OK, it is acceptable to say "No" to others without having to give reasons or excuses. I do not have to justify my answer to them, just give it to them. I do not need to feel guilty or ashamed for not meeting their needs. I do not have to feel inadequate for not satisfying their expectations. I do not have to feel like I have failed simply because I have set boundaries for myself that preserve my health and sanity. I do not have to live in fear of disappointing others, only in the freedom of loving them.

As another older priest once said to me: "The Savior has come. He is not YOU!" In other words, the world is not dependent on ME to solve all its problems. I have been called to fulfill a task, a mission, but it is not to SAVE the world. So the setting of boundaries on my part is not going to lead to the downfall of the world. Only to the survival of my own world.

Where do you have a hard time setting boundaries or saying "No" to others? What would you like to do about that today?

Common Sense

In six-plus months of working in the car business, I have learned much about human nature. My previous life experience had revealed many aspects of the human species, but the automobile business underscored heretofore shaded dimensions of the psyche.

George (not his real name) came in to trade his 2003 pickup for a 2005 model. According to book values, we could offer him $11,200 for his trade in, while the vehicle he wanted was valued at $25,000. While trying to help him get financing for the deal, I discovered two problems: he still owed $14,500 on his trade in; and he had not been consistent in making the payments, thereby jeopardizing his credit rating. So, as a consequence, George was unable to purchase the vehicle he desired, and we were unable to complete a sale. It was a lose-lose situation.

Tim (again a fictitious name) borrowed money from his bank to purchase a new (for him) auto. Before the first payment was made, he brought the vehicle back and turned it in, without even having registered or licensed it. He said that he had bought it to impress his girlfriend, and she left him anyway. Therefore he did not need it anymore.

Why do I bring these incidents to this venue? Because both of them illustrate what I have known for many years, but am discovering over and over again: Common Sense is NOT Common!

It would seem to be common sense that you cannot fail to pay your bills on time and then expect to maintain a good credit rating. Common sense would dictate that you cannot continually pay more for things than they are worth while piling up debt upon debt as you charge, finance, charge and finance again and again. Common sense would tell us that we cannot run indefinitely from the consequences of our decisions and our actions; sooner or later they will catch up with us.

Yet, that is what we have done as individuals, as a nation, indeed as a world. Perhaps that is a simple explanation for why we are in the financial condition we are in.

If there is to be a silver lining to the economic cloud that hangs over us, perhaps it will be that we will once again begin to live within our means. This will happen only as we once again distinguish between our needs and our wants.

In my experience, common sense is not something that can be taught except in the University of Hard Knocks. As someone said: Wisdom comes from experience, and experience comes from making mistakes. May we extract the nugget of wisdom that is hidden in this mountain of mistakes around us. May we begin to face the whimsical side of our nature that makes decisions based on short term immediate gratification. May we instead see the long term consequences of our choices, gain some common sense, and grow in freedom.

Needs, Wants, Desires

For the last 5+ months I have been working in an auto dealership as Financial/Business Manager. It has been a challenging, stretching, educational and enjoyable time as I've been learning a whole new culture, vocabulary and system. Plus I've had the pleasure of working with some friendly people.

The owner/manager, my boss, often says that people have "needs, wants and desires". Because of this, they will be around to purchase new or at least different vehicles. Some need a different car or truck because their present vehicle has died, been wrecked, or is otherwise unserviceable. And they still need to get from point A to point B.

Others want a different vehicle because they've had the current one too long, it's too big and uses too much gas, or for whatever reason they have found to justify/rationalize this purchase.

Finally, some people just desire a new/different car or truck for no reason at all. But they are able and willing to make a purchase at this point.

These three groups of people make the auto business possible because here in rural Iowa, there is no public transportation available, and people still wish to travel outside their homes. No one is ready to accept a future of staying at home.

All this set me thinking about the present economic crisis in which we find ourselves embroiled. Perhaps one of the good things that is going to come of it is that people will once again learn to distinguish between their needs and their wants/desires. With the limited resources facing us, personally and as a people, perhaps we will discover that our needs are really very few. Not much is required to meet the real needs of our life.

It seems to me that many people have backed themselves into a financial corner because they have confused their wants with their needs. By becoming slaves to their own wants and desires, they have put themselves on an endless treadmill with no end in sight.

Our wants and desires stretch beyond the horizon, thereby making us restless and unhappy. Modern advertising paints a continually changing picture of unlimited wants and desires. Confusing our wants/desires with our needs only stirs up dissatisfaction and discontent with our present situation since it is impossible to satisfy them all.

This is not to say that we should not have dreams or goals. Nor is it to say that we should be satisfied with being less than our best. Obviously, God calls us to be all that we have been created to be, to use our gifts and talents for others, for the good of the world. But part of that process is to be able to distinguish between our own needs and our wants or desires.

If we can learn to focus on meeting our needs, and being satisfied when that has happened, wouldn't we be much more content? Wouldn't it be great to be free of the pressure of the unlimited wants/desires created by modern advertising? Wouldn't we be more ready to notice the needs of others and work to help them?

Where are you on the needs/wants/desires spectrum? How can you learn to distinguish between them and grow in freedom?