Serenity Prayer

In a previous reflection, I wrote about My Dad. The Serenity Prayer was his favorite prayer. It is also one that has occupied my attention frequently in the last few months. We have a beautiful cross-stitch framed rendition of this hanging on the wall in our apartment. It was a gift from a friend in south Texas. So I thought that I would post a meditation on that prayer today.

The prayer is very simple. It goes as follows:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

God, grant me (in other words, God, I recognize that I cannot do this on my own. This is something that you need to do for me, in me. I cannot give myself anything because everything comes from you. I certainly cannot give myself the life that I want or desire. Please, Lord, grant me...)

Serenity (I mean that peacefulness of heart that doesn't get shook up by every passing wind or whim. This is that calmness that is deep within, that is not dependent on the approval of others, the rise or fall of the stock market, the mood swings of others or myself, or the weather reports or forecast. God, this is the "peace that is beyond all understanding".)

To accept (not just put up with, not just grin and bear it, not just grit my teeth and wait for it to be over. But really allow it to be without fighting against it, without getting angry or frustrated, without letting it drain my energies.)

The things I cannot change (Oh my, are there ever so many parts of this world that I cannot change: the weather, the attitudes and prejudices of others, the price of groceries or gas, the behavior of my spouse, family or friends, not to mention my neighbors or strangers. This list could go on and on...limited only by my imagination.)

The courage (it really does take courage because of all the resistance that I will run into. This is not for the faint-hearted.) to change the things I can. (Sometimes it is easier to just let things go the way they are going. To really stand up and try to change the status quo is threatening to anyone who has a vested interest in the way things are right now. I remember my Mother saying to me in the past "Someone should really do/say something about that...." When I responded, "Why don't you do something since you noticed it", she was a bit taken aback. However, after a while, she began to DO something. It is not easy to actually confront the realities of our everyday existence and effect change. Sometimes problems and situations seem overwhelming. Frustration with our inability to accomplish REAL change also leads us to give up after a while. So there is a real need for the courage to keep plugging along.)

And the wisdom to know the difference (It does take wisdom, which in the biblical understanding is right doing, right action based upon discernment. Only a truly wise person can distinguish between the battles that need to be fought and those that are a waste of time and energy. So many times I find myself expending energy on issues or problems that are going nowhere. Lord, give me the wisdom I need to tell the difference between those things that you want me to bury myself in, and those that either belong to someone else, or are not worth the effort.)

As I continue to reflect on this prayer, I see the great freedom there is in being able to live it on a day to day basis. How much more energy and life I would have available if I could only enflesh this prayer in my heart and mind.

Which of the parts of this prayer do you find most easy for you? Which is the most difficult? Where do you want to go from here?

Peace Of Mind

Speakers at some goal-setting workshops that I have attended in the past often posed the question: If money was no object, what would you do with your life? In other words, if I did not have to concern myself with making a living, how would I spend my time, what would I want to accomplish, where would I choose to focus my energies. This question was designed to help get in touch with deep-seated dreams, desires and longings so that they could begin to become reality.

As I reflect on that question in light of the past year and where we are today, I see it all from a different perspective. What a difference a year makes!

Last November, My Love's sister, Annette, and her husband, Jim, moved from their home in Larrabee to Maryhill. They put their home on the market. We prayed. It did not sell. Now they are joyfully fixing up the house and this weekend will be moving back into it. God heard our prayer by not letting the house sell, thereby making this comfortable return possible.

We continue to spend time with My Love's parents as we navigate the process of her Dad's deteriorating dementia. However now other members of the family are becoming involved with the care-giving by being present for a few days or even a week at a time. What a gift it is for all concerned to have this time together, to support one another, and to build even more family memories. As I've stated before, the general direction of this whole process is rather clear, but the particular steps of the journey have yet to be worked out.

What has become clear to me in these processes is that peace and contentment have been very deep so long as I am living in the present moment. As long as I am just being open to God's presence and action in each day and whatever it brings, I can remain undisturbed. Insofar as I can accept whatever each situation presents to me, I then move through it with equanimity.

Only if I begin to focus on how I want things to be other than they are do I start to become upset or dissatisfied. Only when my will gets at cross purposes with God's will does my life begin to unravel around the edges, and sometimes in the middle. Want and desire, when not in conformity with Divine Purposes, are the seeds of destruction. At that point chaos takes over.

How do you see the relationship between your own wants/desires and your peace of mind? Does your equanimity depend on the circumstances of your life, or the focus of your heart?

"No" Is A Complete Sentence

Barbara is a friend who is always willing to lend a helping hand. She will drop what she is doing to assist her neighbor by taking her to the grocery store. If the elderly woman down the block needs a ride to the doctor, all she has to do is call Barbara. Barbara will also spend hours on the phone listening to her younger sister's endless problems, or her mother's countless aches and pains. She is just the sweetest, most kind and sensitive person you would ever want to meet.

There is only one small difficulty. Because she is so engaged with the concerns of others, she has no time for her own husband and children. Their needs and concerns somehow never make it into Barbara's line of vision. Consequently there is friction and discord in her household. When she is criticized or asked about this, she simply replies that she "can't say no to others who are depending on her." Her family should "not be so selfish. They should be more understanding."

Barbara is struggling with a problem that is not that uncommon: Boundaries. The ability and freedom to set boundaries in one's life is critical to survival. The insight to know one's limitations, and the strength to live within them enables one to give of oneself in a healthy and life-giving way -- healthy and life-giving not only for oneself, but also for others.

I was helped to learn this lesson early on in my life as a young priest. I was counselled by an older priest who told me: "NO is a complete sentence." What he showed me was that it is OK, it is acceptable to say "No" to others without having to give reasons or excuses. I do not have to justify my answer to them, just give it to them. I do not need to feel guilty or ashamed for not meeting their needs. I do not have to feel inadequate for not satisfying their expectations. I do not have to feel like I have failed simply because I have set boundaries for myself that preserve my health and sanity. I do not have to live in fear of disappointing others, only in the freedom of loving them.

As another older priest once said to me: "The Savior has come. He is not YOU!" In other words, the world is not dependent on ME to solve all its problems. I have been called to fulfill a task, a mission, but it is not to SAVE the world. So the setting of boundaries on my part is not going to lead to the downfall of the world. Only to the survival of my own world.

Where do you have a hard time setting boundaries or saying "No" to others? What would you like to do about that today?

Values Guide Choices

Movement is a sign of life, even when the direction is not clear. We are certainly alive in our Morning Bible Study because there is much movement going on.

Yesterday morning, John departed Montana for a four-day trek back to San Antonio, TX where he will be starting a new job. This will also provide him with the opportunity to spend more time with his three grandchildren before the military transfers them and their parents sometime this fall. Meanwhile, his wife, Clar, is staying behind for a couple of months in Montana before joining them.

Gail and Marilyn are entertaining their granddaughter, Therese, for a few weeks. At the same time, they are preparing for the influx of family for the celebration of their 50th Wedding Anniversary over the 4th of July. There is still time for any friends or family to add thoughts or reflections to my previous blog so that I can include them in the booklet I am preparing for the "newly weds".

My Love and I are juggling schedules with her sister, Annette, who is in the process of remodeling her home in Larrabee before moving back to it this coming weekend. That is all being done while at the same time trying to provide 24 hour care for their parents, especially her Dad. With the rest of the family, we are approaching decisions about their future care. Where all that will lead remains to be seen.

As all these decisions and new directions are entered into, it becomes more and more clear what the values are of those making them. What is truly important and what shapes meaning for all those involved begins to surface as the peripheral and unimportant is stripped away. Questions begin to surface like: Whose good are we focusing on? What do we really want for them? What is the best choice at this time? As was said on our call yesterday, "We may not be doing what we like to do, but we are doing what we want to do." We are doing what we really value in our heart of hearts.

Look back on the important decisions that you have made in the last months, last year. What do they tell you about your own values? What are you able to sift out for yourself and say with clarity: These are my values. Are you satisfied with them?

Birthday Greetings To A Special Lady

This past Wednesday we celebrated the birthday of the World's Best Mother-in-law! What a joyful celebration it was with good friends, delicious food, and plenty of fun and games. Present with us for this special occasion was My Love's friend from Bolivia, Sr Suzanne, who is also a longtime friend of the family. Having her with us made the day even more special.
My Love had prepared her famous barbecue ribs. They are so good that when we came up here from Texas, the Tony Roma's ("We're Famous For Ribs") restaurant in Sioux City closed down. Along with the twice baked potatoes, veg salad, asparagus spears, it was terrific. Topped off with angel food cake and homemade ice cream. What a banquet!

For the afternoon, games of marbles were lined up and enjoyed by all. Then followed happy hour with wine and munchies. As you can see from the attached pictures, everyone enjoyed themselves.

Together with family members who called to give birthday greetings, we all thank God for the gift of life that we are so privileged to share in through Mother Rita. May God grant her many more years of health and happiness.

Old Age Is Not Kind

While living in Texas, My Love and I worked for eight years in the nursing home business. She served as Admissions Coordinator/Marketing Director, and I as Administrator. It was a very rewarding and enjoyable, albeit stressful, occupation. We were blessed with the opportunity to minister to people at a very trying and transitional period of their lives. Helping residents to adjust to the curtailing of their lives in an institutional setting, and assisting family members in the very difficult decision to place a loved one in our care, these were the focal points of our day-to-day energies.

Through the years of that work, and even in conversations since, many people have said to us that there is no way that they could do that kind of work. It would be too depressing, too sad, too taxing for them to handle. Yet, in reality, it was very fulfilling. There were so many moments of humor -- like the day I was walking Raymond (a resident in the grip of Alzheimer's disease) into the dining room. Another resident, Marian, was observing us passing and said in a stage whisper, just loud enough for me to hear: "Sort of makes you wonder who is leading whom!" I thought I would die laughing.

There were also many holy, sacred moments when we were able to pray with people as they were dying. Or pray with their family members after they had died. Those were God-blessed times. It was truly a form of hospice as we helped people let go of life here and move into the fullness of life in God's own hands.

One of the things that we learned that helped us to deal with the people and their circumstances: there is a huge distinction between a person and their illness. Many times we were called upon to remind family members, who were upset by the behavior of their loved one, that this was not their father or their mother doing this. It was the illness manifesting itself in this way. That separation of person from disease made it a little easier to cope with what was unfolding before them.

I recall all those times now as we find ourselves reliving those experiences from the viewpoint of the care-givers. In supporting and taking care of family members here in Iowa who are now journeying on those same roads of senility and dementia, I find the pain and the pathos, the humor and the joys, the frustration and fears that we helped others navigate. I am finding the struggle to be very real, the emotions to be very strong, and the desire to make the best decisions for all concerned to be more clear than the decisions themselves.

Yet we walk in faith and love, knowing that God's plan will unfold as we continue in the process. The path will be revealed to us as we walk it step by step. Where it will lead, only God knows.

Which Wolf Are You Feeding?

Perhaps you have seen the story being passed around on the Internet that goes something like this: A Native American father is speaking with his young son, telling him how there are within him two wolves who are fighting with each other. One is angry, vindictive, vicious and mean. The other is loving, patient, caring and peaceful. When the young son asks which one will prevail, the wise father replies: "Whichever one you feed."

As I was driving to work after lunch yesterday, there was a discussion on public radio. Those involved were pondering whether the recent rash of crimes against the Holocaust Museum, the abortion doctor killing in Kansas and other so-called "hate crimes" were being fueled by the inflammatory rhetoric of some far-right spokesmen and pundits. They were also considering whether the present historical situation with our economic crisis, a black president, the return of so many war-damaged veterans and the general insecurity of our age were feeding into this violent reaction within our society.

I don't have the definite answers to those particular questions. However, I am struck by the insight of the wise Native American referred to above. The same wisdom was expressed by St Paul in his letter to the Galatians: "Make no mistake about it, no one makes a fool of God! A man will reap only what he sows" (6:7). Those who focus on negativism, criticism, pessimism and cynicism can only bring forth a harvest that befits the seed they are watering. Their lives cannot bring forth the fruit of the Spirit listed in that same letter to the Galatians: "Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faith, mildness and chastity" (5:22-23).

As I tried to unravel in an earlier post, life is too short for me to expend my energies on things that produce only negative outcomes. Negative energy and negative thinking, which lead to negative actions, are not life-giving for me. They seem to be "feeding the wrong wolf", to pursue the imagery from above. Therefore, I refuse to read or pass on all those emails that tear down public personalities, whether they are political, religious, or social. I try to ask myself: "What of a positive nature does this add to our world? How is this going to help someone else live a better life?" When engaged in a conversation with someone else, and the direction turns negative and critical of another person, I try to change the focus or the topic to something more pleasant. Sometimes I am more successful than others.

Which wolf are you feeding in your day-to-day life? Which wolf do you want to take over your world? The world at large?

Self-Discipline

This past week in our morning Bible Study, we have been considering the topic of "Self-discipline". For instance, one day we were studying Paul's words to Timothy in 2 Tim 1:7: "God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." (Some translations have "self-control".) Out of our reflections and discussions, several things came to the fore.

First of all, self-discipline is a wonderful thing for other people to have. If THEY would just have more self-discipline, my life would be much easier. If other people would just control their tempers, if they would just control their desires, then the (my) world would be much more serene and peaceful.

Secondly, self-discipline is not a problem for me to have for a limited time. I can control my appetites or discipline my desires for a specified time period. For example, I can go on a diet for a month, or I can exercise for a couple of months with no problem. But to think about changing my lifestyle in such a way that I actually develop different habits and patterns of living for the rest of my life -- well, that is a different kettle of fish!

Another point that we came to is that self-discipline is much easier when it is something that I choose for myself, rather than something that is imposed upon me from outside. In other words, if I choose to limit my shopping habits and curtail my expenses because I want to be thrifty or saving and spend the money on charitable causes, that is much more palatable than having to curtail my shopping and my lifestyle because I have lost my job and have no source of income. In that latter case, I have no choice in the matter.

In the end, we decided that self-discipline is a fruit of the Spirit. As Paul says in Galatians: "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience....and self-control" (5:22). As such, I do not attain it by simply gritting my teeth, stiffening my spine and plunging ahead. Rather, I need to learn to relax, surrender to the Spirit, and let God accomplish the work within me.

Fruits are not something that grow on a tree over night. They take time, patience and much cultivation. God will bring about the fruit of the Spirit called self-discipline/self-control in us as we accept the reality that we cannot do it ourselves, but we need to let God accomplish it in us. It is not my project, but the work of God in me. What a relief it is to know that! What a freedom to know that this is not one more thing that I HAVE TO DO!

Every Day is An Anniversary

Last evening My Love and I took some time for ourselves to celebrate our wedding anniversary which was actually last Sunday. We went to one of our favorite restaurants in the area for a delightful meal of BBQ ribs and chicken, accompanied by a salad bar, baked or broasted potatoes and corn fritters. With a glass each of our chosen wine, it was a joyful celebration of our 13 years together.

At the same time, we came to the conclusion that it was not enough to celebrate just this once. After renewing our commitment to one another each day for the last 13 years, we decided that we must continue the festivities through 13 celebrations, however long that takes. After all, life is a gift, each day is a treasure, and so we want to experience it to the fullest with hearts open in gratitude.

God has blessed us abundantly during these past 13 years. At no time have we felt anything other than total immersion in God's love, even in the stressful or bleak moments. When we passed through the hurricane, we felt surrounded by God's constant care. As we moved back to Iowa, we found God's angels caring for us and going before us to prepare the way.

Now we rejoice in the love that God has given us for one another that grows with each passing day. As we enter into year 14, we do so with joy and anticipation of the coming wonders of God. Where we will be a year from now is known only in the mind of God. But we celebrate each day as it unfolds before us.

C Is For Control!

My Love made it home safely -- but not until Saturday afternoon. She decided to take the opportunity, while traveling through eastern Iowa, to visit an elderly friend in Cedar Falls, and then a cousin in northern Iowa. Although her arrival was delayed, it was sweet nonetheless.

To celebrate our wedding anniversary on Sunday, we had some tentative plans to relax together, and then perhaps go out for an evening meal at a restaurant. However, around 11 am, we received a phone call from My Love's Mother saying that Dad needed a little extra attention and care since he was struggling with some confusion. So we went immediately and spent the day and evening with them, taking them for an outing, watching a movie and playing some games. It was a time of loving togetherness which turned out to be a blessing as we begin our 14th year of wedded bliss. Perhaps this is a foretaste of things to come.

Throughout the weekend, I found myself confronted again with my old nemesis: CONTROL. Time and time again in my life, through differing circumstances, God has brought me face to face with the primary issue in my spiritual journey -- Who is in charge here? While I frequently fool myself into believing that I hold the reins, never am I allowed to live with that misconception for any great length of time. God's loving hand on my shoulder gently taps, or sometimes lovingly slugs me to remind me of the truth: God is God, I am not! While at the time I do not always enjoy the call back to reality, in the end I am grateful that God does not let me wander too far from God's presence.

What is the primary spiritual issue that you have to deal with over and over again in your life? Do you see how God uses that to draw you closer into the Divine Presence? Do you accept it?

Absence Makes the Heart Grow

Today My Love Comes Home!

For the last 10 days My Love has been traveling in eastern Iowa. She first visited my sister, Diane's home for four days to help in the preparation for the graduation of Diane's last daughter, Megan. Together they prepared potato salad, broccoli-cauliflower salad, watermelon-cantaloupe salad and lots of other delectables (like chicken lip dip) for the party that was held last Saturday evening.

Then My Love went to Cedar Rapids for a day to visit a friend. According to her report, they had a wonderful time reconnecting.

Her last stop these past four days has been to visit a family in Cascade, Iowa, that has been like a second family to her for many years. She discovered that the father of the family had just died several hours before her arrival. So she has spent these days helping the family prepare for and celebrate the funeral.

Now today My Love is coming home. This coming Sunday will be our 13th Wedding Anniversary. Believe it or not, this past week and a half is the first time that we have been apart for more than one night since we have been married. Hence my excitement on her return. While we have spoken with each other at least once each day, and most days twice, there is nothing like "love with skin on"!

Truly our anniversary will be a celebration: of love and gratitude.

Isaiah John

Our friends, John and Clar, are the new, happy grandparents of Isaiah John, born just a couple of weeks ago. A healthy and bubbly boy, he gave his mother fits for the last couple of months, but arrived to the warm welcome of his parents, John and Clar's daughter, Trenna and her husband, Moyad. Also on the welcome committee were Isaiah's two older sisters, Makya and Ashtyn. He is truly finding a loving home in which to grow.

After spending the last six months in San Antonio, John and Clar are now heading back to their home in Montana. They travel to Texas for the winter, not just to avoid the Montana cold, but especially to spend time with these three precious grand babies. To have experienced the wonder of Isaiah John's entry into the world has been an added gift of this beautiful time spent with their offspring.

We have had the "pleasure from afar" of being a part of their experience. John and Clar are also part of our Morning Bible Study. Thus we have prayed and shared with them the joy of welcoming Isaiah John (named after his granddaddy!) into life.

Now we are praying them safely home to St Ignatius, Montana, where they will again be surrounded by the beauty of the mountains. May God go with them as they journey with a large part of their hearts left behind in San Antonio. And may Isaiah John and his two sisters continue to know the boundless love of their grandparents.